Self-Awareness in Autism Parenting: Have You Made Room for You?
“Get real. You’re a mother now. Your child needs you. And you want to go away to work?” “Arre, what are you trying to prove? Your son is autistic. This much will do for him.” “You went off on a holiday, leaving your child? Your autistic child? How unfeeling!” “You’re the mother! How come you […]
Foundation of Decision-Making: Self-Awareness
“No,” says the surgeon. “I won’t operate now. See me after two months.” I smile immediately. There is energy in my voice, a spring in my step as I say, “Thank you, doctor. See you in two months!” A tiny part of me notices all this: the involuntary smile, the sudden energy, the cheerful departure […]
Neither Hero nor Villain: The Tensions of Decision Making
The doctors are holding Krishna’s hand down so they can inject him with anaesthesia. “Vendama!” I don’t want it. He fights ferociously, but at the prick of the needle, his little form sags into my arms, deep in sleep. And then they take him from me and carry him into the operation theatre. That was […]
Child, Sibling, Partner, Parent — Who Am I?
There are moments when I just want to jump into my car and drive away. Just, away. All by myself. There are moments when my husband and I remember our double-income-no-kids days with considerable fondness. We travelled. We ate out. We made plans without first calculating who would stay with whom, what they would eat, […]
How Do I Stop Being Afraid of My Autistic Child’s Future?
Buildings and trees whizz past. 110 kmph. I’m skimming the speed limit on the expressway. The concrete hypnotizes with mirages that gleam when the sun appears. And then dull clouds hide the brightness. The car’s motor hums, smoothly powerful. The climate control—aka AC in humbler times—is a subtle addition to the hum. Krishna plays in […]
To Be Seen and Heard
The Invisible Weight of Autism Caregiving About four or five years ago, I was on the phone with Krishna’s psychiatrist. I remember I was walking around the garden while I spoke to her because the house was too noisy to have the conversation inside. We were talking about Krishna, of course. I don’t remember exactly […]
Am I Doing Enough for My Autistic Child?
When “enough” becomes an impossible question—and how to ask what is needed now Am I doing enough? It is such a familiar question in autism parenting that we can almost skip past the word doing and land directly on more. More therapy, more teaching, more research, more doctors, more effort, more money, more patience, more […]
The Layers of Acceptance
It was a dark and stormy night! Krishna was about two years old. He was thrilled by the storm and his father was holding him in front of the bedroom window. The trees danced madly in the wind. Thunder crashed, lightning lit the night sky an eerie green. Rain lashed the garden outside; the gods […]
Harmony
“Did he get down at all today?” It was about 7 in the evening. My husband had just gotten back home from work. I had been pacing up and down our terrace for hours with Krishna on my back. “No. Wait… yes. About five minutes. For a super-fast bath… Krishna, look! Appa’s home. Go climb […]
What Does Learning Look Like?
“You haven’t started Avaz for Krishna yet? How will he communicate?” “You are still carrying Krishna on your back? How will he become independent?” “You don’t enforce eating at the dining table? How will he develop habits?” Over the years, this has been the refrain of well-meaning therapists and parents. At the other end of […]
Intruder In the Night
Wait, what was that? A dark silhoutte flitted across the terrace. It was about 1.15 am. Krishna had just settled down to sleep. His head was on my arm, growing heavier by the second. His father had already fallen asleep outside in the sitting room. And just beyond, against the deep grey night sky left […]
The Mental Load Nobody Sees
Invisible cognitive load. Chronic vigilance. Decision fatigue. Uncertainty. All wonderful, accurate terms. What do they mean? I shoot upright in an instant. From deep sleep. Zero to 100 kmph in a nanosecond. For a moment I don’t understand why. Is it morning? Night? Where am I? What? Then I hear a soft gurgle. Krishna is […]